talk about it all

i thnk this is the third decompression attempt since we've been back in america.

overwhelmed

exhausted

anxious

curious

hopeful

excited

nervous

driven

defeated

empowered

exhausted all over again

i feel all of these things about a hundred times a day.

i don't think i realized what i was walking into...

well, flying into.

scratch.

zilch.

nada.

zero.

no mas.

null.

i've started over.

really?

can you do that after 9 years?

well, i guess i kind of did 5 years ago.

well, here i go again.

new business cards,

new address,

new clients,

new neighborhood,

new rules,

new game,

new time.

things have changed in america in the last 5 years.

they've changed in business and life.

but the business side i'm painfully aware of daily.

does anybody else feel that?

when i left for germany i didn't even know there was a "wedding photography subculture"

i didn't know what a blog was,

or how to use one (i did just fine without one... but now, i don't know what i would do without it...CRAZY)

and i didn't feel like i needed to look over my shoulder.

i remember another photographer coming into my studio and asking me how i stayed in touch with the "in trends" (i wasn't online much) i remember responding " i don't really do trends, i just really try to learn my clients, and communicate who they are, through my vision... through the eyes God gave me, no one will tell someone's story like the next person- so i just try to make my version the closest to theirs, creatively."

when i started shooting album covers i was tickled to death to find that "artist's" didn't mind if i took them to abandoned houses, and old beat up buildings, they thought it was hip, and creative.

most of my clients would have DIED if i pulled up to an old truck to ask them to pose in front of it- now, it's the hip thing to do... and they call me when they find a truck i'd like!  (looove it)

i know this is a ramble, but that is kind of the point.

i'm a little overwhelmed at starting over.

i feel a little invisible.

i've seriously contemplated getting a brainless job and going back to film, and just shooting what i love-

but in the end, i love people.

i love life.

i love kids,

i love, LOVE.

weddings.

engagements.

50 year anniversaries.

that stuff is what life is made of.

so, i'm trying to keep my head above water and pray for the peace to come.

i think i realize now, i've always been a second guesser.

i can change my mind in an instant.

so i'm trying to stay focused.

there is a lot going on in the world,

there are a lot of people hurting.

i want to capture that.

so that we can't be page turners, channel changers, i'll get to it tomorrow kind of people any more.

i don't want to be invisible.

i want to capture the invisible.

i just have to figure out how to do that and have a successful business too.

not so simple.

maybe if my clients were a part of it? (thinking out loud here)

what if they partnered with me, to make a difference.

how special would that be?

i am going to bed to dream about that.

more will come, with time.

is any one of you in trouble?

James 5: 13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.

 
the last few days have been tough ones.

if it isn't one thing, it is another.

my house is still crazy.

my "peaceful upstairs" is in shambles.

my office STILL isn't organized.

my mudroom is a junkroom.

i had a huge garage sale, and could have another one.

i haven't cooked a really great meal in about a month.

i haven't eaten a really great meal in about a month.

i feel kind of invisible.

it's really weird.

but i am learning a lot.

i'm learning that God provides everything we need.

down to the penny.

i'm learning that even when i don't known what to pray, God hears my tears as prayers...

and answers them.

i'm learning that friends are the sweetest pleasure in this life.

i'm learning that the opposite of death isn't life, it's love.

i'm learning that intimacy is required to function in chaos.

i'm learning that stress & worry are temptations as much as food & pride.

did i mention that God is providing everything along the way?

i lost my wedding ring.

i contemplated working at a fast food place just to get away from the pressure.

it rained today.

the sweetest part of my day was the smell of it coming.

i had to take 2 hours of my afternoon to decompress with my guitar and and a pen and paper.

poor jessica just worked away.

i love her.

she is an example of God's provision.

thanks jesus, for jessica.

my best friend nikki and her/our family have a family reunion every single year and a revival that leads up to the reunion the week before...

last year the Rev. A.C. Clark preached- it was incredible.

i felt the Lord speaking right through him, and when God was finished, he just sat down.

it was all abrubt and cool- not a single extra word.

he came again this year.

i went tonight.

we still haven't found a church here, and are excited to look together...

but Pool Chapel in Madisonville has always been where i felt at home.

i almost didn't go because of the weather, but asked God to spare me, and to speak to me when i got there... boy did he ever.

they don't call them revivals for nothing.

i could feel God washing over all of my hurts...

all of my worries...

all of my thoughts that were distracting...

all of the pressure...

i learned a ton, but i have to say one of the coolest part was at the end when two boys came forward for "special prayer"- if you have never been to church, especially a southern church- you might not know what that means- so, i'll translate: "special prayer" is when you know there are things going on in your life that you can't handle, and you don't really know what to pray, or how to, so you trust that those coming to pray for you will listen to the Spirit of God and pray as He leads. (Those people are normally elders & leaders of the church)

the bible shares alot about the power that comes from the laying on of hands, and we won't get into all of that here,(but if you want to know, i'd love to talk about it with you!) i just wanted you to hear Rev. AC Clark pray over these boys- it was so powerful, so honest.

it made my day.

and really encouraged me to get out of my bubble.

stop looking in the mirror.

open my eyes to what is before me.

be thankful.

be hopeful.

and start praying.

Pool Chapel: james 5:13-17 from shauna maness on Vimeo.

as for the saints in the land...

they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. (psalm 16:3)

i love my job.

i love people.

i love that God cares so much for me that he gives me opportunity after opportunity to love.

and he sends people to love me.

right when i need it.

it seems sometimes like life spins out of control in an instant.

i thought my life was going one way- and then there it goes in another... over and over.

my dear sweet friend dorothy once told me "Never pretend to know where this road will take you, because it changes on a dime." those words have lived and breathed in my heart since she spoke them- and they bring me much comfort when i get anxious about the future.

these days i have been anxious about a lot.

moving-

accross the ocean.

setting up shop-

in a new town.

being near friends and family

any time i want.

family

kids

Godchildren

foster children

adopted children

waiting

thinking

contemplating

anxious.

the bible is clear about how to handle stress. (being anxious)

we are to cast our cares on Jesus- to be anxious for NOTHING ... trust in God who is the Author of our days... and holds each one of our needs and desires in His hands...

but i have a hard time with that.

it occurs to me sometimes that i never even speak out loud all of the turmoil that exists within me.

luckily i have a patient husband who lets me process and then gently reminds me that i haven't said a word-

this season in my life has been particularly difficult.

i thought my life was going to look one way- when in fact it won't even resemble my thoughts.

there are times when my mental painted picture haunts me and leaves me feeling desperate and alone.

on my way back from houston to germany this time i was particularly overwhelmed.

i gave my mama an ear full and i am sure left her thinking i should be checking into a mental hospital instead of an airport terminal- i was lost in my thoughts... lost in my head. being tempted to entertain thoughts that would steal my joy- steal the truth right out of my heart.

heading up the escalator i thought of jesus in the dessert.

temptation isn't sin.

temptation is the choice to sin.

it is not evil to be tempted.

evil is the temptor.

jesus withstood it all.

starving.

thirsty.

desperate.

he did it.

he made the enemy flee.

and then came the angels.

to minister to him.

i don't think my mental dessert compared to what Jesus went through, but i tell you what- it was rough.

so there i was climbing this escalator and begging God to send me an angel... i just needed one.

all in my mind, without a verbal word- i begged God to send someone to me to speak truth- to speak life- to let me know that i wasn't forgotten- that he heard my weakest cries for help- that he had not left me in the depths.

off the escalator to grab a drink and some gumbo-

standing in line.

2 people in front,

10 people behind,

a really complicated order happening and lots of frustrated people...

i stood there-

waiting.

patiently dreaming of my cold beer and gumbo.

there was an old man behind me.

waiting.

patiently.

i turned around to smile at him and he spoke to me.

in a thick german accent

"waiting is a part of our lives."

"yes it is." i responded.

"Abraham waited for a city built by God-

and it was worth the wait.

Do you understand what that means?"

"yes, i do."

i almost fell over.

not even 2 minutes after i begged God to speak life into me-

he did.

he used his child, this man... or angel... i have no idea what he was- to speak to me- he set apart this saint, to be used for his glory- and shared him with me.

it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear-

God is building this city- not me... and it will be worth the wait.

God is shaping our family- not me... and it will be worth the wait.

God is establishing our work- not me... and it will be worth the wait.

INCREDIBLE.

i just left a photo shoot with the sweetest family- a family that has loved me, loved my husband, and been such encouragements to both of us-

as i was leaving my friend hugged my neck- a good, long, i really mean this kind of hug- and when i looked at her she had tears in her eyes.

i knew she hurt for us.

i knew she had been praying for us.

i knew she believed in what God is doing in us.

i could see plainly that she believed in me, in brandon, in God's work through us, and in us...

it was perfectly on time.

exactly what i needed.

i needed to see someone believe.

her eyes, that hug, her words...

were life to my bones.

& hope  to my heart.

i think it is incredible that Christians who have begun a journey with God have been left with his spirit to guide us through this life- and that same spirit will minister to the hearts of people that God gives us the opportunity to love- whether we know it or not.

i think that is part of the reason that we aren't supposed to be anxious- because stress can be a selfish thing- the idea that we control all this stuff around us is silly- but when we buy it- we miss out on those around us- because we are focused on ourselves...

i am so thankful that there are saints in this land who are living by the spirit- and allowing God to use them to love-  i pray that God uses me that way- and that when i am tempted to be anxious, i can think about Abraham... and my airport messenger.

As for the saints in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

i love God... and how he uses his saints amoung us.

an overwhelming weight.

that is what it feels like-

an overwhelming weight.

i am called to lead.

more specifically, God has given me specific girls to lead.

His girls.

As the summer approaches and I embark once again on longterm leadership opportunities with the girls that will work with/for me i am deeply, DEEPLY burdened with their hearts, minds, gifts, and needs.

more important than anything i do in this life are people.

these people have been led to me to be loved.

i know they think they are coming to grow, learn, work their tail ends off, and have fun-

but it is so much greater.

i ordered 3 books on leadership.

then, when i decided to carve out the time to begin reading them i was totally convicted.

i am sure the books will be great- when i get to them-

but first, i need to re-read others that have been neglected.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are the first four books of the New Testement.

They are also the clearest picture ever painted about Godly leadership, about love and self sacrifice, about communication and intent, and about eternity and the distraction of this life.

They focus on the intentions of your heart- deeper that the world sees kind of stuff-

when these girls move on... because they always do- i want them to remember how we loved, how we served, and how we met the needs of every heart placed in our path.

I want to lead like Jesus.

So i am re-reading the Gospels before i pick up the other 3 books.

That is my commitement.

I was amazed at how quickly i was distracted.

I prayed a lot through the first 9 or so chapters- so much hit home- so many people i love were brought to mind.

The overwhelming part is a lie.

The beautiful thing is that is the very thing that makes you want to run in the other direction- take the easy road, use somebody else's formula and move on-

but once i realized that was what i was believing- and the reason i was so overwhelmed these verses came to mind... they rose up in my heart like a peaceful song... i began to read Matthew and found each one hidden waiting for me- i didn't even realize they would be in the first 11 chapters... i can't even imagine what is waiting for me...

Matthew Chapter 6

²⁵Therefore I tell you, stop being ^[v]perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?

²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?

²⁷And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the ^[w]span of his life?^(B)

²⁸And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and ^[x]learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.

²⁹Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his ^[y]magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these. [I Kings 10:4-7.]

³⁰But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?

³²For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.

³³But seek (^[z]aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (^[aa]His way of doing and being right), and then all these things ^[ab]taken together will be given you besides.

³⁴So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.

Matthew Chapter 7

¹²So then, whatever you desire that others would do to and for you, even so do also to and for them, for this is (sums up) the Law and the Prophets.

¹³Enter through the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and spacious and broad is the way that leads away to destruction, and many are those who are entering through it.

¹⁴But the gate is narrow (contracted ^[k]by pressure) and the way is straitened and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it.^(A)

Matthew Chapter 9

³⁶When He saw the throngs, He was moved with pity and sympathy for them, because they were bewildered (harassed and distressed and dejected and helpless), like sheep without a shepherd.^(C)

³⁷Then He said to His disciples, The harvest is indeed plentiful, but the laborers are few.

³⁸So pray to the Lord of the harvest to ^[m]force out and thrust laborers into His harvest.

Matthew Chapter 11

²⁸Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ^[o]ease and relieve and ^[p]refresh ^[q]your souls.]

²⁹Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (^[r]relief and ease and refreshment and ^[s]recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.^(E)

³⁰For My yoke is wholesome (useful, ^[t]good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.

i cannot turn it off.

my mind just goes and goes.

what has my mind stirring tonight is community.

and the way Jesus prayed.

he said "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Your kingdom come.

Jesus asked God to make earth like heaven- He wanted to live out God's will on earth as it is heaven.

Jesus said that he didn't come for the healthy, but the sick- he came to seek and save that which was lost.

sick people, lost people- people in need of healing- people who need to be chased after... that need to know they aren't forgotten... they are not too far.

how do i live this out?

do i pray like Jesus and ask God to teach me what i am praying as he answers my prayers?

that is what i am doing.

that is where i have begun.

i feel deep,,, deep down in my heart that this life is not mine- that it is an instant and then over-

i catch myself at times being consumed with things like success and achievements and then am sobered quickly when i think about what will happen to the things in this life that i treasure- they will be gone in an instant-

eternity is now.

from the moment life begins, eternity is born with it- i am living out a little bit of eternity even now- the thought of the vastness of life baffles me and leaves me feeling very small- but i think that is the point.

the lives who's legacy's i am impacted by lived in away that was keenly aware of the impact one life can have- they lived helping the sick- seeking the lost - and holding very loosely the trappings of this life-

that is how i want to live.

there are so many places in my community that i can see in my mind... places that i want to go and serve- to give my life away- girls i want to teach  after school, ladies i want to help with their groceries, houses i want to help repair, meals i want to serve, and smiles, hugs, kind words i want to shower people with.

i am so excited i can hardly stand it.